I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Randomize
