I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
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