best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
