carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
