Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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