come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
