my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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