twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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