I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
