Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
