The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
