I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
