So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
