I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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