Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
