dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
