There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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