my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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