My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
