My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
