I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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