Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
