i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
