# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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