I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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