i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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