I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
