When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He better not be in your backpack
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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