he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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