what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
