About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
