Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Randomize
