John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
