I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
