so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
