Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I know her cup size but not her name....
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
