She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
