when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
