I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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