I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
