Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
