In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
