I puked a lego.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
