You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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