I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
