He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
