Betty ford says i'm here all night
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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