my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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