How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
