nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
